This is a tricky time of year for me with sad anniversaries on Dec 31 (4 years) and Jan 8 (6 years – can’t believe it’s been 6 years) and I suspect that I hate Christmas too…which is doubly sad as I am a christian. I find no joy in the day. The last few weeks have been busier than usual, though for good reasons, but it has meant I didn’t quite get the downtime I needed. Consequently, I’ve needed to shut out the world a little longer than usual. Thanks to those that expressed concern; I take the time I need.
I need to rethink things somewhat to avoid going down a dead-end. For example, I’ve spent 6 years blocking out the Sydney Festival as dad died near the start of it. It’s always hard to look January in the face. I avoid all things festival-y though I used to go to lots of stuff…I remember enjoying the ACO at the $10 Proms (with dad and his partner if I recall correctly), not to mention the Taikoz drummers and other acts. Indeed, I got the news of dad’s passing just as I was about to bolt out, hoping to get a ticket at the door for some concert or other.
I need to work through this, as the festival is a bloody good thing; full of interesting pieces. Due to my reticience for the period, I’ve only discovered in recent days that one of my favourite composers will be in town, Philip Glass. The downside is that his big show has sold out. Oh well, hope remains for a better show, that being Dracula, the 1931 movie, with music performed live by Glass and the Kronos Quartet. Oh my, be still my beating heart. The only choice, though it’s not really a choice, is whether to see the 7.30pm session or the session at midnight. Will book my seat shortly.
While locking yourself away from the world is a good thing to do, it remains important to keep up with the world and somehow seek a way to find happy moments around sad times.
snail 
I know its hard, but I really hope you can rediscover the joys that happen around this time of year, whilst not downplaying the pain. You can do it.
You have my sympathy snail. My mum had a major operation and then went downhill in hospital during the 2000 Olympic Games – and we spent hours watching them on the hospital tele. I still shudder when the Olympics are on and have a very hard time engaging with anything to do with them.
The Dracula performance looks absolutely incredible. We went to see one of the Quaatsi movies with PG performing the score live several years ago. An amazing night.
If you need someone to jolly you up, I’ll be in Sydney from 26 Jan before the Info Online Conference. I will have my 8 year old with me, but we are going to a whole host of kiddy kinds of things around Darling Harbour – Mirazozo, Wind in the Willows, the Chinese Garden light show thingo, Powerhouse, Lego exhibit at the Aquarium. You are welcome to come along to any of those…or maybe a picnic somewhere ?
{hugs} Like Michelle I really hope you can rediscover the joy in the season. Perhaps there are opportunities to make new “traditions” or activities that will enable you to acknowledge the sadness but find peace & happy at this time of year? If your sleep is a bit fitful then that doesn’t help either.
It doesn’t hurt to have set aside certain days of reflection such as the anniversary of your Dad’s death where you do something almost ritualistic like visit his grave, make a donation to cause he’d like, plant a tree, visit a particular place, eat particular foods etc. On these days one should feel fully entitled to be solemn and sad. And then one can make a step into the next day with a sense of renewal and even hope.
Is that too woo woo? :P There is much to be joyful about but sometimes we don’t see it. And even when there is no joy, there is always hope. At least, I believe that to be so.
I do have rituals in place for Dec 31 and Jan 8 – I light a tea candle close to the appointed hour and dwell on it for an hour or so. It’s really good at sucking out the bad stuff :-) One of the problems this year is that I wasn’t able to get any decent downtime til the 31st itself; things are looking more promising for Jan 8. Christmas is just a hard slog for a variety of reasons and I do need to come up some sort of way of creating a celebratory space for myself. It’s a complicated thing.
Kathryn: I think I’ve also seen one of the Qaatsi flicks with PG live too. I keep getting errors when booking for Dracula but have at least got a ticket to a live Q&A with him. I would love to hang out with you and Mr8 as it gives me an excuse to go to some cool, fun stuff :-) I have close friends locally too and I enjoy hanging out with them and their kids.
I suspect my good humour shall return next week :-)
/hugs/ it’s trite to say time ‘heals’ but i think maybe it shifts the way we look at things and remember things. creating small sacred spaces is a fantastic way to start. i’ve always been a scrooge – (family…. messy messy family) and i found it a really hard mix when i was a christian – on one hand, i wanted to celebrate one of the most sacred markers of my faith, and on the other, i found myself repulsed by so much more, and upset and isolated. i never really resolved this before i ‘fell’ so to speak, but i do reflect on this most years – accordingly, i don’t actually celebrate, or try and have anything to do with christmas/easter – same as i do not celebrate holidays of OTHER faiths i do not adhere to. tangent. but yeah. i guess it’s about making space for the communitiy, for your beliefs, and to let yourself feel what you need to.
i hate this idea that the holiday ‘season’ needs to be filled with automated joy. i think both the major christian holidays are quite serious occasions, for reflection and thought, and yes, a subdued, profound joy, but not a spendy-crazy-madness. family, love, purpose, meaning, direction – these are all the important things, and it sounds like you reflect on this. and with time, perhaps the sadness will mingle with the joy of sharing time with the people who have passed?
take care.